When someone grows up with a parent who is a substance abuser, it will feel like they spent time in a war zone. Chaos occurs because of an addict’s personality changes. The organization of the family is based on the addict’s behavior. Everyone else will be to blame for a substance abuser’s problems.
Normal
Family members will try to cope with their situation by avoiding a confrontation with the substance abuser. They will try to act like everything in their family is normal. They won’t speak about the substance abuse or even mention it. Family members will often deny things they see, know, and feel. This especially affects the children of the family. When confronted with strong evidence of substance abuse by a parent, over 50 percent of children deny they have an addicted parent.
Parenting
The parenting of a substance abuser is unpredictable, unreliable as well as inconsistent. Children never have a sense of safety that enables them to properly grow and develop. Most of these children suffer emotional and also physical abuse. They will have issues of anger and trust when they are adults. Their negative feelings could be directed at the sober parent.
Sober Parent
It is common for the sober parent to have a life filled with stress. This could cause them to be more irritable, impatient, and controlling than the parent who is the substance abuser. The sober parent could be blamed by their children for not protecting them from the abuse or unfair treatment by the substance abuser. They may accuse the sober parent of neglecting their needs. Both parents may be unavailable emotionally for their children. This happens with high conflict parental relationships.
Codependency
The feelings and needs of children are often ignored. Children are so ashamed of their home life, they are too embarrassed to entertain friends. These children experience intense loneliness, shame, and guilt. They work to become self-reliant. It is important to them that nobody has power over them again. These are children who live in constant fear. They are constantly on guard for any type of danger. This leaves them always having anxiety into adulthood. These are people who deny their emotions because they were shamed by their parents. Growing up in such an environment is the cause of codependency. It can be passed on even if those with parents who were substance abusers are sober.
Family Roles
One of the goals of children is to relieve family tension with a substance abuser. They will adopt their role in the family.
- The Mascot – This is usually the younger or youngest child. The mascot handles their insecurity and fear by acting cute or being funny. This is how they try to relieve family tension.
- The Hero – This is often the oldest child. They often help with parental duties and have a type of parental role. These children desire to be self-reliant and responsible. They will do what is necessary to keep peace in the family. A hero will often sacrifice things they want or like for others. They are usually lonely, anxious, and easily controlled.
- The Lost Child – This is often a younger child. They will withdraw into a world of video games, fantasy, or music. These children try to get security in their solitude. Their social skills, as well as relationships, will often suffer.
- The Placater – This will be the child most sensitive to the feelings of other family members. They may neglect their own emotional needs to meet others emotional needs. It is a struggle for them to know their wants or needs. They struggle to pursue goals.
- The Scapegoat – This is the child who acts out and has negative behavior. This will move the attention away from the substance abuser. It is a way for them to show feelings they struggle to communicate. They often become addicts and continue to act out to handle their emotions. When they’re in trouble, the parents and family often unite to address their problem.
Children who grew up in homes with a substance abuser often have trauma symptoms similar to a combat war veteran. They often show signs of post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD). They could have flashbacks as well as painful memories and more. Are you ready to deal with an addiction issue? It could be a personal one or a family member. You can call us today at 844-844-3463. You can get help right now. Our counselors are available 24 hours a day.